How to be a Terrible Teenage Writer

This post is inspired by the brilliant Citra over at Fiction Book Review, and her amazing 'How to Suck at Everything' posts. So you know where to go if you like that sort of thing.

Let me tell you that being a teen writer is hard. You'll know that if you are one. There's so many things to juggle and do exactly right if you want to be good at it.

But the good news is that it's incredibly easy to be terrible. You just need to follow these tips, which are pretty intuitive, to be honest, and there you have it! Who needs to be Mr or Miss goody-two shoes, anyway?

Step 1 - Don't Bother Trying to Manage Your Time.
To be honest, as a teen writer, you don't actually have a lot to worry about. Schoolwork, writing, blogging and actually maintaining some form of social life are all kind of important, but let's face it - they're not exactly difficult. Just do what you fancy at the time, even if that's watching telly, and it'll probably turn out okay. Who cares about detention? Who needs to learn about anything when you're going to be a super rich author someday?

Step 2 - Only Write What's Popular.
We all know that writing's only really about the money, and a book sells much better if it's predictable. As long as you write quickly (quantity, not quality), you won't even be behind the trend, and publishers always love something that follows the crowd.

And - do you know what - I bet no one would even notice if you stole lifted some plot points from a bestseller. The formula's already there, so why not use it?

Step 3 - Don't Take Advice From the Pros.
Whatever you do, you should never take your writing tips from a "knowledgeable" source. That goes for blog posts, other writers or especially creative writing courses. They're only pretending they understand you: these days, no one gives others help if they don't want something in return. Not to mention the fact that they'd SO squash your creativity - the only people you should take advice from are the people who barely know anything. They might accidentally give you an awesome idea.

While we're on the subject, you shouldn't give well-meaning advice to people who need it. You had to learn on your own, so they should too.

Step 4 - Never Edit Anything you Write.
Please. Editing is for sissies; practically anyone who's any good knows how to get it right first time, especially all the top authors. Grammatical mistakes don't matter, and it's a proofreader's job to fix spelling errors. 

You're so much better than everyone else, so an editor won't care about sloppy formatting or iffy speling. Remember, editing takes too long and isn't worth it.

Step 5 - Don't Give Yourself Any Free Time.

Just because you don't manage your time doesn't mean you should let yourself have a break now and again: if you love writing, you should be working all day every day.

If you do have a break, take as long as you like. You've already done the unthinkable, so you don't deserve to call yourself a teen writer anymore.

Hey presto! With these five easy steps, you can become the most terrible teenage writer ever. Every single sentence is the exact opposite of how to be a good one.

Try switching all of them, really. Now that would be crazy advice to follow.
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4 comments:

  1. Ha! This is the best writing how-to I've read ever. Don't take advice from the pros, yes! You've said it. Would you ask for a recipe from a chef? Nope, you simply don't do that, it's their well kept secret it's actually a taboo to do. Those pros wouldn't bother helping you, because if you are succeed, you'll become their new competitor.

    God! I can't believe what I've just written lol.

    Thank you for mentioning me, Lara. That is very kind of you :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't believe what I wrote for this either! I was literally making every sentence the opposite of what I meant, and that was hard work. But fun.

      You're welcome, by the way.

      Delete
  2. WELL. I ALWAYS NEEDED THIS INFORMATION, THAT'S FOR SURE. And now I basically have a how-to manual. omg. You wonderful person. :')
    *collapses giggling* This was hilariously wonderful.xD
    Thanks for stopping by @ Paper Fury!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've always felt like the advice that's out there caters really well for the minority that want to do well in their writing, but for those of us who want to be terrible, there's basically nothing. And I'd do anything to fix that.

      NOT, of course. But stopping by was my pleasure.

      Delete

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